Alex Haight here, reporting by telegraph/Amish cellphone to the civilization above. . . . It’s been a month after the supposed end of days. With no sign of outside distress, I’m starting to question the levity of Colonel Rainbows Sun Farmers and his promise of eternal afterlife (why did I pay that $6,500 deductible?)
I’m sending word to all my readers (are there any?) that I’m trapped here in Bunker 54 in Utah, below some burnt-out hospice after some religious zealots spurred me with visions of the Apocalypse and Rohypnol cocktails (December 21st my balls – it’s years away folks). Anyhoo – I’m stuck out here, unable to get the lock off the door, and I’ve heard whispers about sacrificing the blonde guy eating all the rations – so I better be quick.This week’s addition brings you all the music I intended to hear this year.
If someone would be so kind to smuggle in a pair of wire cutters and PBR on their “person”, I’d not only appreciate it, I’ll do your damn laundry for a week.
These bands/singers caught my eye, but not my ear, this year, so I’m begging my captors to release me and/or download ’em so I can hear ’em!!
Death Grips – The Monkey Store
The promo videos, artwork and soundclips scream yes yes!
Plus, they put out two records this year (no small feat), both with full-out explicit packaging.
First impression: A madman on the mic and soundloops like grinding teeth – hook me up.
These guys look like the band Odd Future try to be.
Neil Young & Crazy Horse – Psychedelic Pill
I know nothing about this record, but from the history of everyone involved, it should turn out to be a welcomed elongated jam session, fueled with cinnamon girl drives and some falsetto warbling.
Something by Grimes
I’ll concede, I have no idea who or what Grimes is. I see it so often I better take a listen.
But I swear, if it’s another breathy, inarticulate pixie girl singing about loss and love,
I’ll probably dropkick my stereo. Let’s face it, Grimes is too good a name for shit.
Something by Tame Impala
Yeah, that’s totally fair; these guys are basically still in who-the-hell territory, but Jay-Z can fart into a mic for 45 minutes and Obama name drops him. Frig!
Beck –Blue Randy/I Just Started Hating People Today
It’s a national tragedy when Beck Hanson isn’t commemorated with a stamp. Maybe a space mutant plucking a banjo eating bleeding cake motif?
If worse comes to worse, and I’m forced to eat my own hair to survive down here, maybe I’ll just trade a ration of dried corn for one of these.
The Master – (Original Soundtrack)
One of the better movies of the year has everything going for it: Phillip Seymour “Shouty” Hoffman and a rail-thin, never-been-better Joaquin Phoenix talking about crabs. The music is done again by all around Brit genius Johnny Greenwood and features everything you need to feel like you’re in a cult.
I’m a sucker for a good soundtrack – I’m looking at you Prince.
I’ll call it right now, the runner up for best OST (probably): Django Unchained
Alabama Shakes – Boys and Girls
These guys are still in elementary school right?
Another band I know almost nothing about but hear a whole bunch o’ buzz about.
Maybe I should make my own decisions instead of getting lured by the press? Fuck it, I’ll give it a go.
It ain’t worth the money, kids.
I think John “Millionaire Troubador Douche” Mayer released something, so maybe pick his shitty new thing up, and maybe some Odd Future (just because I hate them) and hell, why not Passion Pit,and throw these albums in a blender, pulse mix a few times ’till you get sparkles and poof – New Years’ Eve rabble to chuck at your friends when you photobomb them!!