Day 3 (continued)
I am currently writing to you from a twelve-foot boat that Mini Brian purchased with what little band money we had to begin with.
He bought it to hunt land sharks in the Atlantic ocean.
He christened it the “SS No More Blacks In Movies”, which is a weirdly specific kind of racism.
Two hours into our voyage, Mini Brian informed us that all hope was lost, and that we needed to start drinking our own urine in order to survive.
When our keyboardist, Jenny, informed him that we had plenty of water, Mini Brian spit in her mouth and told her to drink that water.
There has been a lot less actual land shark hunting than I anticipated there would be – frankly, I’m beginning to wonder if Mini Brian just wanted an excuse to make us watch him urinate into his own mouth (urinating being another of those things I didn’t know a doll could do…).
At around 9:30 last night, Mini Brian screamed something about Will Smith, and then there was a terrible explosion.
Was it the land shark?
Was he trying to protect us from some evil, unimaginable creature?
Who can say for sure?
What we do know is that when the smoke had cleared, Mini Brian was nowhere to be found.
Some people will say he sacrificed himself so that we, his friends, might live.
Other, more correct people will say he drunkenly shot a flare into our fuel tank, caused a terrible explosion, and then escaped on a Sea-Doo, leaving us for dead.
Given that we were tethered to a dock throughout the entire duration of this expedition, our egress from the wreckage wasn’t nearly as perilous as you would think (evidently, docks are a prime land shark hunting ground).
We’re back on the road now, hoping to make our show in Moncton, New Brunswick.
The expanse of road before us is black and endless, and our destination impossibly distant. As the night air washes over me through the open passenger window, I hear midnight secrets carried in the wind.
As if shining a light upon my thoughts, the moon appears from behind a pair of lonely clouds; I wonder where Mini Brian is tonight.