Probable and Possible Predictions for the Music Industry
(Based on a Wild Fever Dream)
a. They’re usually just rancid brain bubbles brought on by too much hummus and gin late at night;
b. I’m not a new-age type so seeing feathers means I either hit a bird or want some chicken;
c. Trying to divulge the importance of seeing my high school geography teacher, my boss and Danzig go skydiving holds little to know interest to me.
But just this last week, I kept waking up sweaty and twitchy like a tweaker with $100 in his pocket. . . eventually I fell back asleep only to dream of this – poof!
I’m at some kind of comedy roast. Somewhere I’ve never been before. Everything is really low-lit and smoke is everywhere. All around me are fat-faced comedians, all huffing and puffing as they look to me to come on out and say my piece. When I look down, I see the audience is a gang of skinhead bikers all drinking apple-tinis.
The MC hands me the mic and I stand for a seconds. I look around confused – who are you people?
A spotlight forms and zips to the centre of the room. I squint and see the disembodied head of Little Richard and this is what he says, word for word:
You better remember these, baby, ’cause this shit is gonna happen. . . .
1. Waka Flocka Flame will retire from music and co-create a line of ultra-expensive Zippo lighters.
Each one will be adorned with no less than 500 diamonds and the flint will be made from panda teeth. Not to be outdone, P-Diddy will release his own cologne made from the tears of Mexican nuns.
2. 2013 will see the rise of the Anti-PSY. He/She will ascend to power through a complex robotic dance called the CHIRO. After capturing the hearts and minds of billions, he/she will become outed as a spokesperson for the Westboro Bapist Church.
Remember this name: S-P-L-E-N-D-I-F-E-R-A. You have been warned.
3. Merriam-Webster will include the eventually common term facemelt in its July 2013 edition.
The definition will read as follows: “facemelt (v.) – The process of having one’s face melt off the skull due to the perfection of the new Queens of the Stone Age album.”
4. Kanye West will name his son Adam.
5. Jack White will go to the crossroads and sell his soul to Satan for the ability to be interviewed for more than five minutes without sounding like a total asshole.
6. M.I.A. will go M.I.A.
7. Dubstep will finally be buried, next to Nu-metal, gypsy folk, and emo-core.
8. Tupac‘s hologram will fall to drive-by gunfire.The world will blame Snoop Lion.
*Author’s Note: Never ingest Philly Cheese Steak sandwiches eight minutes before bed or these weird visions may come before you!