You are a brilliant guitarist who doesn’t get the credit he deserves in our throw-away culture. Everything you’ve done with Queens of The Stone Age is a treasure. I treasure you, Josh.
And now look at you! Leading your flock of legends in your new vulture band. Looks like you’re finally starting to tip. I couldn’t be happier for you.
That’s why I’ve taken the time to write you today.
And don’t worry, this isn’t about the night you ran me over with your car, because that was an accident. I know that now.
I’ve detected a movement that has me concerned for your safety. An ancient, widely-held belief that views Gingers as godless abominations, has been intertwined with a pop-culture-fueled hatred for all things douche, and together, they have produced a new-found malice for pasty, Ginger douchebags. For you this comes with devastating consequences. I think people are trying to hurt you.
Below, I’ve listed a few precautionary measures which, if taken immediately, could mean the difference between a long, awesome career making great music, and being strung up by a pitchfork-wielding mob and burned on a pyre in the center of town.
1. Dye your hair.
I’ve calculated based on video evidence from the Youtube, that you are hit with something sizable enough to interrupt the show, one out of every three times you take the stage. That average would get you into Cooperstown, but this isn’t baseball.
The problem stems partially from fact that you’re an insufferable douchebag – a love-him-or-hate-him, cocky son-of-a-bitch who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your convictions. Anyone in your audience who has ever blurted something stupid knows this first-hand.
On their own, these traits are not only acceptable, but welcomed from a rockstar like yourself. But dude, as soon as you sprinkle ginger overtop all of that So-Cal bravado, the rules change. On that stage you’re a wailing douche sundae, and no able-bodied teenager within hucking distance can resist getting a taste – or in your case, throwing something at.
I was trying to help you when I sent all of that hair dye in the mail. I don’t know why you won’t just give Jet Black a try. I think it would make you look a bit more like Elvis and a bit less like Craig Kilborn and Glenn Beck’s daywalking lovechild.
At the very least you could’ve sent the dye back, instead of leaving the boxes emptied and strewn about your yard for me to find. I even discovered a few gently used Q-Tips inside one of the boxes and I helped myself. Hope you’re not mad. Also, when did you switch to almond milk, and why can’t we talk about it?
2. Don’t spend so much time chewing-out the drunken teenaged misfits in the audience who throw stuff at you.
Just pick one and beat the shit out of him, and keep the slurs to yourself.
Sure you might get sued, maybe even do a little jail time, but jail means street-cred and and the days fly once you learn how to make wine in the toilet. Besides, you would only have to do it once to send a message. I think you’ll actually be doing the kid a favour, long-term. Most of them have never even known a male figure who kept his promises. You’d be teaching the little shit a couple of lessons in respect that his dad was too busy getting wasted at the dog-track to teach Junior himself.
3. We should hideout in my cabin in Sturgeon Bay, Ontario, until things settle-down.
We can just go and hang out there for a month or two and no one would ever find us. We can grill different meats, drink beers, and practice our favourite wrestling moves in the woods.
You know, man stuff.
We will be inseparable friends. Let’s talk about how we’ve each rendered our experiences suffering from night-terrors into hypnotic desert-rock that sounds like a midnight stroll through haunted woods – only you’re grooving on Vicodin, and there are strippers instead of deer. I would love for you to hear all the QOTSA songs I covered using a Wiimote, with my tribute band In The Wolf. It’s hard to get good low-end bass notes out of a Wii, but I feel like our music conveys the same primal sexuality and menace.
Then I can teach you a little about discipline, and a lot about fur coats.
Have you ever de-boned a fox before? Because this could be a great opportunity to learn.
Anyway, I hope to get a reply about Sturgeon Bay soon, so I know how much sausage to bring. I would suggest bringing along the wives, but it’s a small place and I’m afraid the smell of menstrual blood may attract bears. You understand.
Good luck with your album coming out in the new year, and on all of your tours with your many bands. I’ll be at your Toronto show in March. I’m gonna go ahead and throw some stuff on stage for you to autograph in between songs. Hope that’s alright.
Your #1 fan
P.S.: sending you our LATEST DEMO shorty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111